Today, I have been faced with some difficult decisions. Let me expound:
Early in July, before I had known about when RA training would be, I committed to a golf marathon that the CCO, the Coalition for Christian Outreach, an organization that I hope to work for one day, was having on 27 August. I am excited about the opportunity that I have to help the CCO raise funds for their upcoming fiscal year.
These plans were soon dashed (or maybe not), due to RA training, which begins on 23 August. I have asked to be excused for this one day, but my request has been denied. Also, I will have to miss whatever is going on 1 September, as I celebrate my grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary (I am so excited for them).
This being said, it has begun a difficult and prayerful decision for me -- to retain my position as an RA or to resign from it. Let me weigh the pros and cons of each decision.
If I were to remain an RA, I would continue to have my room paid for, about a $5000 expense. This is quite a nice compensation, to be sure. Also, I would receive a $100 stipend at the end of each semester, which does prove to come in handy at those times. However, there is a huge time commitment which comes with the job, as you are on call at all times of the day. It is a straining job, requiring you to be intimately involved with your residents (or at least that is the way that I perceive the job). It also confines you to the campus on certain nights, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but is a hindrance nonetheless.
If I were to resign from my position, it would allow me greater freedom than I have had the past two years. First, I would be able to go to the golf marathon, as well as the celebration for my grandparent's, without feeling guilty or as if I had let someone down. Secondly, I would be able to devote a greater amount of time to the community and friendships that are developing on campus. This summer, I discovered the importance of community living, something that I would like to bring to the campus this year. This summer, I also was able to develop many friendships that I hope to last beyond just this summer. By not being an RA, I would have more freedom to seek out those from this summer and be intentional about keeping in contact with them.
There are negatives to this as well. I am afraid that I would possibly ruin the friendship that I have with my current CA. I would hope that wouldn't be the case, as my decision does not reflect any animosity towards him, but rather disappointment with the current situation. Also, I would then have to pay for my room, which I don't necessarily consider too much of an obstacle. As Tim and I were discussing this morning, money should be a non-issue (or at least one of little concern). I have the same view, that while money has some redeeming qualities to it, the worship and idolatry of it is a bad practice. It, therefore, should have little weight in making a decision like this.
Oh, what to do?
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Weary and Burdened
Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest (Matt. 11:28)
These verses have rung true to me tonight as we have had our prayer vigil. Since talking with Katie the other night (I believe it was Sunday night), my soul has been weary and burdened. She brought to light some things that I had not thought about in the last eight weeks, and I sincerely thank her for that.
My soul still is restless, as am I. I am so confused and lost right now that it is somewhat absurd. I don't really know what to think or do (I am sorry that I feel it necessary to not shed too much light on the topic about which I am writing. Katie, I think that you know the topic and may be able to talk with me sometime before we leave about it). I got to pray silently about it some tonight, but I feel that I have prayed in vain and didn't have the right mindset going into my prayers.
Again and again, I read that if we ask, we shall receive. Perhaps I am not asking with a willing heart or a correct attitude.
Perhaps, I am not willing to believe that God will actually provide. Maybe I am lacking faith in Him to live true to His word, which is a bit ridiculous when looking at the Scriptures.
My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him (Ps. 62:1).
Does my soul find rest in him? Do I allow my soul to find rest in him? Do I prevent myself from finding rest in him?
These are all legitimate questions since I find myself so weary and burdened over the last few days. I will continue to pray for rest, as well as clarification about this issue. I just need to begin to have the hope and the trust that God will be faithful to me, as he has been so many times in the past.
These verses have rung true to me tonight as we have had our prayer vigil. Since talking with Katie the other night (I believe it was Sunday night), my soul has been weary and burdened. She brought to light some things that I had not thought about in the last eight weeks, and I sincerely thank her for that.
My soul still is restless, as am I. I am so confused and lost right now that it is somewhat absurd. I don't really know what to think or do (I am sorry that I feel it necessary to not shed too much light on the topic about which I am writing. Katie, I think that you know the topic and may be able to talk with me sometime before we leave about it). I got to pray silently about it some tonight, but I feel that I have prayed in vain and didn't have the right mindset going into my prayers.
Again and again, I read that if we ask, we shall receive. Perhaps I am not asking with a willing heart or a correct attitude.
Perhaps, I am not willing to believe that God will actually provide. Maybe I am lacking faith in Him to live true to His word, which is a bit ridiculous when looking at the Scriptures.
My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him (Ps. 62:1).
Does my soul find rest in him? Do I allow my soul to find rest in him? Do I prevent myself from finding rest in him?
These are all legitimate questions since I find myself so weary and burdened over the last few days. I will continue to pray for rest, as well as clarification about this issue. I just need to begin to have the hope and the trust that God will be faithful to me, as he has been so many times in the past.
Left Unspoken (Part III)
Tonight, I plan on writing another blog that will be more personal than this is, but this is also an important blog for me to write:
To Jess: The growth you have experienced this summer is evident. It was encouraging to see someone who was so adamant about taking his/her sabbath every week. You grew in your ideas and thoughts of what it means to live in Christian community, and I hope that you are able to take that back with you to Malone.
To Kenneth: I am a bit disappointed that I didn't get to know you better this summer. You seem like you are an awesome guy. Your knowledge and wisdom is rich, and I pray that you continue to seek ways in which you can glorify God through your gifts.
To Beth: Your perseverance through so many difficulties this summer has been a blessing. You continued through your walk where so many people may have given up. Your image has been shaped through this perseverance and will continue to be so into the future.
To Kurt: Continue to seek bravery. There has already been a desire in you this summer to do so, which you took huge steps in by leading a Bible study. I hope that you realize that you are loved by God just as much as anyone else in the house. Know that God gave you a spirit of love and self-discipline and of power.
To Heather: Your summer has been awesome to watch. The growth that you have seen in your organization is uplifting and is promising when looking to the future. All the while, you have acted in purity, seeking only to glorify God through all that has taken place. I will continue to pray that this would be the case into the future.
To Jeff: You have been a huge inspiration for me this summer. You have challenged me to look at my gifts with humility, shown me what a married man looks like seeking the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, taught me what it means to lead your children in view of God's mercy, the list goes on and on. I thank you for the great sacrifice that you have made in coming here this summer. I thoroughly enjoyed your presence here in this house.
To Linda: Your wisdom in leading Bible studies will continue to influence me into next year and the years beyond. I thank you that you took countless hours to help us prepare for our Bible studies, as well as offered suggestions of what you have seen work in the past. Your desire to know the Lord and the truth that is found in Him is evident in your daily actions. Thank you for your devotion to the house.
To Becky: This summer is a stretch for you. As you said, you don't get to work with college students on a regular basis, but your investment in us is evident. Your willingness to get to know each of us was evident and was greatly appreciated. Your organizational skills are truly a gift that God has given you and that you have used for His glory.
To Scott: Your desire to learn along with the students this summer was a huge encouragement. Your willingness to concede that you don't know all truths helped us out immensely. I thank you for the wisdom and eagerness to gather knowledge that you brought to the house. I know that the future holds great things for you at Ursinus.
I am blessed to have gotten to spend a summer with everyone in the house. These blogs (notes) are just a small token of my appreciation for all that I have learned from each of you in the house. I pray that we would continue to encourage one another and spur one another on towards love and good deeds.
To Jess: The growth you have experienced this summer is evident. It was encouraging to see someone who was so adamant about taking his/her sabbath every week. You grew in your ideas and thoughts of what it means to live in Christian community, and I hope that you are able to take that back with you to Malone.
To Kenneth: I am a bit disappointed that I didn't get to know you better this summer. You seem like you are an awesome guy. Your knowledge and wisdom is rich, and I pray that you continue to seek ways in which you can glorify God through your gifts.
To Beth: Your perseverance through so many difficulties this summer has been a blessing. You continued through your walk where so many people may have given up. Your image has been shaped through this perseverance and will continue to be so into the future.
To Kurt: Continue to seek bravery. There has already been a desire in you this summer to do so, which you took huge steps in by leading a Bible study. I hope that you realize that you are loved by God just as much as anyone else in the house. Know that God gave you a spirit of love and self-discipline and of power.
To Heather: Your summer has been awesome to watch. The growth that you have seen in your organization is uplifting and is promising when looking to the future. All the while, you have acted in purity, seeking only to glorify God through all that has taken place. I will continue to pray that this would be the case into the future.
To Jeff: You have been a huge inspiration for me this summer. You have challenged me to look at my gifts with humility, shown me what a married man looks like seeking the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, taught me what it means to lead your children in view of God's mercy, the list goes on and on. I thank you for the great sacrifice that you have made in coming here this summer. I thoroughly enjoyed your presence here in this house.
To Linda: Your wisdom in leading Bible studies will continue to influence me into next year and the years beyond. I thank you that you took countless hours to help us prepare for our Bible studies, as well as offered suggestions of what you have seen work in the past. Your desire to know the Lord and the truth that is found in Him is evident in your daily actions. Thank you for your devotion to the house.
To Becky: This summer is a stretch for you. As you said, you don't get to work with college students on a regular basis, but your investment in us is evident. Your willingness to get to know each of us was evident and was greatly appreciated. Your organizational skills are truly a gift that God has given you and that you have used for His glory.
To Scott: Your desire to learn along with the students this summer was a huge encouragement. Your willingness to concede that you don't know all truths helped us out immensely. I thank you for the wisdom and eagerness to gather knowledge that you brought to the house. I know that the future holds great things for you at Ursinus.
I am blessed to have gotten to spend a summer with everyone in the house. These blogs (notes) are just a small token of my appreciation for all that I have learned from each of you in the house. I pray that we would continue to encourage one another and spur one another on towards love and good deeds.
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Left Unspoken (Part II)
As I said, I would not forget about the others here at the project.
To LeeAnna: It is an encouragement to see your desire for knowledge from the word. Your discernment and desire for discernment is a blessing to this house. I pray that you continue to hold to that as you go back to your youth group. They will benefit greatly from having you as a teacher.
To Jake: Your willingness to step into positions of leadership at the project have been awesome. It has been great to watch the transformation happen in you from being timid about leading worship to doing it on a weekly basis. Also, your desire for us to pray together and taking the initiative on that is an amazing step to see you take.
To Emily: Your passion is contagious and brings new excitement to the Word daily. To see you begin to have hope in all things has been refreshing. God has some great plans for you at Waynesburg next year, as well as further into the future. Don't lose your fervor for the Lord.
To Jenn: What you have learned this summer is evident. You continue to apply the knowledge you gain and seek out answers for yourself. You don't just accept things at face value, but are determined to understand why some have the opinions that they do. This is a gift to be cherished, which I hope that you keep near and dear to your heart.
To Lindsay: Restoration is difficult to see from an outside perspective. The growth that I have seen in you though is uplifting. To see you more willing to get into deep, difficult discussions now is good. It shows that you are interested in what others think, which too often is overlooked in our society. For that reason, you have been a major blessing to this house.
Thank you to everyone in the house again for a truly unforgettable summer. I will always cherish this summer for as long as I shall live.
To LeeAnna: It is an encouragement to see your desire for knowledge from the word. Your discernment and desire for discernment is a blessing to this house. I pray that you continue to hold to that as you go back to your youth group. They will benefit greatly from having you as a teacher.
To Jake: Your willingness to step into positions of leadership at the project have been awesome. It has been great to watch the transformation happen in you from being timid about leading worship to doing it on a weekly basis. Also, your desire for us to pray together and taking the initiative on that is an amazing step to see you take.
To Emily: Your passion is contagious and brings new excitement to the Word daily. To see you begin to have hope in all things has been refreshing. God has some great plans for you at Waynesburg next year, as well as further into the future. Don't lose your fervor for the Lord.
To Jenn: What you have learned this summer is evident. You continue to apply the knowledge you gain and seek out answers for yourself. You don't just accept things at face value, but are determined to understand why some have the opinions that they do. This is a gift to be cherished, which I hope that you keep near and dear to your heart.
To Lindsay: Restoration is difficult to see from an outside perspective. The growth that I have seen in you though is uplifting. To see you more willing to get into deep, difficult discussions now is good. It shows that you are interested in what others think, which too often is overlooked in our society. For that reason, you have been a major blessing to this house.
Thank you to everyone in the house again for a truly unforgettable summer. I will always cherish this summer for as long as I shall live.
Sunday, August 05, 2007
Left Unspoken
The other night at our banquet for the Ocean City Beach Project, we did what we called a "say-so." Everyone had the opportunity to get up and speak about what they had learned from the summer, or some words of encouragement for one another, or just to say 'thanks' for some of the things that had been going on. It was a time in which tears flowed, joy abounded, and eyes were opened. There were some things that I didn't say and I feel may have been left unspoken.
To Sarah: It was your last night with us. I just want to tell you how awesome it was to see your discipline. I don't know of anyone who could have been training for field hockey, leading Bible studies, doing daily devotions, working, and hanging out with people as well as you did. It is a huge encouragement to see that and know that it is possible to balance so many things at one time.
To Ryan: Your dedication to this summer and this project was a blessing. You invested in so many people here and got to know almost everyone. I hope that you continue to seek out daily times in which you can seek the Lord. It was great getting to see how you grew in the area of dedication though.
To Katie: Perhaps the most enthusiastic and happy person I know. Your presence is so uplifting. Our talks showed me how you were willing to open yourself up to others and share your past. It is a true blessing and will help you to relate and reach out to those around you. I am excited to hear about how God will be using you on Penn State's campus next year.
To Jaclyn: What a difference this summer has made for your confidence. At the beginning of the summer, as you have noted yourself, you were timid about your knowledge and thought that you didn't know as much as those around you. Well, you do know so much and are able to share your knowledge in a manner that allows people to relate to you. Also, your willingness to pray in our D-group was a giant step of faith. I am glad to see how you have become more and more confident throughout the summer.
To Amy: I think that two words (names) can sum up the stresses of the summer for you: Abbi and Noah. To be able to deal with them stretched you to the limit. Your being here, away from home, was stretching you as well. Your adaptability with the group was also encouraging to see. I can't wait to see how God will stretch you even further as you walk with Him.
Don't think that I have forgotten about the others. It is just getting pretty late, so I will have to continue this tomorrow. I just wanted to let you guys know that I have seen so much change in everyone in the house that it has been a motivation for me back at campus next year. I pray that we would seek to stay in touch with one another, however frequently that may be, so that we can hear how God has used this summer in each of our lives.
To Sarah: It was your last night with us. I just want to tell you how awesome it was to see your discipline. I don't know of anyone who could have been training for field hockey, leading Bible studies, doing daily devotions, working, and hanging out with people as well as you did. It is a huge encouragement to see that and know that it is possible to balance so many things at one time.
To Ryan: Your dedication to this summer and this project was a blessing. You invested in so many people here and got to know almost everyone. I hope that you continue to seek out daily times in which you can seek the Lord. It was great getting to see how you grew in the area of dedication though.
To Katie: Perhaps the most enthusiastic and happy person I know. Your presence is so uplifting. Our talks showed me how you were willing to open yourself up to others and share your past. It is a true blessing and will help you to relate and reach out to those around you. I am excited to hear about how God will be using you on Penn State's campus next year.
To Jaclyn: What a difference this summer has made for your confidence. At the beginning of the summer, as you have noted yourself, you were timid about your knowledge and thought that you didn't know as much as those around you. Well, you do know so much and are able to share your knowledge in a manner that allows people to relate to you. Also, your willingness to pray in our D-group was a giant step of faith. I am glad to see how you have become more and more confident throughout the summer.
To Amy: I think that two words (names) can sum up the stresses of the summer for you: Abbi and Noah. To be able to deal with them stretched you to the limit. Your being here, away from home, was stretching you as well. Your adaptability with the group was also encouraging to see. I can't wait to see how God will stretch you even further as you walk with Him.
Don't think that I have forgotten about the others. It is just getting pretty late, so I will have to continue this tomorrow. I just wanted to let you guys know that I have seen so much change in everyone in the house that it has been a motivation for me back at campus next year. I pray that we would seek to stay in touch with one another, however frequently that may be, so that we can hear how God has used this summer in each of our lives.
Saturday, August 04, 2007
Long Goodbyes
Later this morning one of the girls who has been at the project will be leaving to go home and then off to field hockey training. It kind of sucks because I would venture to say that she and I have gotten to know each other the best out of anyone I know in the house.
That isn't the real reason why I am writing this note (sorry, Sarah). But thinking about it, I just said goodbye to Tim and Ryan who are moving on from W & J's campus. I know that they won't be far away living in Pittsburgh, but that is a lot different than having them right on campus.
I guess to delve further into why I am writing this is because I have a hard time saying goodbye without letting it affect me too much. I would love to keep things the same, as they are right now, with all of us living together in this house. But I know this is selfish of me. Look at all the great things that will be accomplished by those who are living in this house right now. I mean, Sarah has a great opportunity to reach out to her new field hockey team. Ryan will be leading a community house back at Kent next year. Lindsay will be able to reach out to her sorority sisters. The list goes on and on. Yet I have such a hard time saying goodbye and good luck!
Recently I have had some serious thoughts about being a campus minister. One of the most crucial elements of being a campus minsiter though is being able to say goodbye to your students and release them into the world, where they will be able to do great things. If I can't do this, then am I really cut out to be a campus minister? Can I do any job so that I wouldn't have to deal with this? I am pretty sure that there isn't a job out there that lets you do this, so I think that I need just to pray about it and let God decide.
O, how I long that I could stay in this community forever though (okay, maybe not forever, but for a longer period of time)! It has been the biggest blessing of my life thus far, and I think that it will be hard to pass this one up. I just beg that noone asks me to talk about my time here until about January or February when I will see the folks again. I think that it would be just too hard on me right now to have to talk about the friends I have met here shortly after leaving.
That isn't the real reason why I am writing this note (sorry, Sarah). But thinking about it, I just said goodbye to Tim and Ryan who are moving on from W & J's campus. I know that they won't be far away living in Pittsburgh, but that is a lot different than having them right on campus.
I guess to delve further into why I am writing this is because I have a hard time saying goodbye without letting it affect me too much. I would love to keep things the same, as they are right now, with all of us living together in this house. But I know this is selfish of me. Look at all the great things that will be accomplished by those who are living in this house right now. I mean, Sarah has a great opportunity to reach out to her new field hockey team. Ryan will be leading a community house back at Kent next year. Lindsay will be able to reach out to her sorority sisters. The list goes on and on. Yet I have such a hard time saying goodbye and good luck!
Recently I have had some serious thoughts about being a campus minister. One of the most crucial elements of being a campus minsiter though is being able to say goodbye to your students and release them into the world, where they will be able to do great things. If I can't do this, then am I really cut out to be a campus minister? Can I do any job so that I wouldn't have to deal with this? I am pretty sure that there isn't a job out there that lets you do this, so I think that I need just to pray about it and let God decide.
O, how I long that I could stay in this community forever though (okay, maybe not forever, but for a longer period of time)! It has been the biggest blessing of my life thus far, and I think that it will be hard to pass this one up. I just beg that noone asks me to talk about my time here until about January or February when I will see the folks again. I think that it would be just too hard on me right now to have to talk about the friends I have met here shortly after leaving.
Friday, August 03, 2007
Winding Down
It seems like I have only been at the beach for about a week now. I don't feel like I have gotten to know too many of the people here. Maybe that is just me complaining, but I wish that we would have been more intentional about building relationships.
I just got done talking with some people here though and have begun to realize that it isn't feasible to expect a relationship with everyone here. I mean, we might be lucky if we all get to hang out again together at Jubilee next year.
Things I will miss:
Sarah always putting me in some awkward situation: 'Hey, Jake, are you going to miss me? Isn't Anna beautiful?' just to name a few. What would the summer have been without these moments though. Sarah, I hope that you read this so that you know that I will truly miss you and that you added a lot to this community. Your attitude and thoughts changed me quite a bit.
One-on-ones with Jeff: I don't think that I could do any justice to the things that you taught me in our meeting times. I just want to thank you for the inspiration you have been to me over the last nine weeks.
Late night talks: To all of you who decided to stay up with me until 2 or 3 in the morning towards the end of the project, I thank you. It isn't easy to get up for work the next morning, but it is totally worth it. I wish that I would be able to hang out with you guys next year when I am back at school and on duty.
Bickering with Jenn while doing dishes: Oh, Beth, what would Tuesday night clean-ups have been without Jenn and I bothering each other? It might have been a bit nicer in the kitchen, but not nearly as much fun. Jenn, continue to seek out answers and you will do just fine.
Awesome speakers and learning: To Chris, Derek, Allie, Carlous, Andy, Byron, Ken, and Shelby, you are all amazing. It was a true blessing to hear you speak. None of you will probably read this, but it is worth mentioning. I just want you to know that you all have made me grow in my understanding of my faith and what it looks like lived out daily.
There are so many other things that I am going to miss, but right now it hurts my heart too much to go on. I will truly miss this summer. I don't have any regrets, but I don't want to leave (It is funny that I told Ryan and Lizz that I didn't want to come the day before I left and to see how much that has changed).
I just got done talking with some people here though and have begun to realize that it isn't feasible to expect a relationship with everyone here. I mean, we might be lucky if we all get to hang out again together at Jubilee next year.
Things I will miss:
Sarah always putting me in some awkward situation: 'Hey, Jake, are you going to miss me? Isn't Anna beautiful?' just to name a few. What would the summer have been without these moments though. Sarah, I hope that you read this so that you know that I will truly miss you and that you added a lot to this community. Your attitude and thoughts changed me quite a bit.
One-on-ones with Jeff: I don't think that I could do any justice to the things that you taught me in our meeting times. I just want to thank you for the inspiration you have been to me over the last nine weeks.
Late night talks: To all of you who decided to stay up with me until 2 or 3 in the morning towards the end of the project, I thank you. It isn't easy to get up for work the next morning, but it is totally worth it. I wish that I would be able to hang out with you guys next year when I am back at school and on duty.
Bickering with Jenn while doing dishes: Oh, Beth, what would Tuesday night clean-ups have been without Jenn and I bothering each other? It might have been a bit nicer in the kitchen, but not nearly as much fun. Jenn, continue to seek out answers and you will do just fine.
Awesome speakers and learning: To Chris, Derek, Allie, Carlous, Andy, Byron, Ken, and Shelby, you are all amazing. It was a true blessing to hear you speak. None of you will probably read this, but it is worth mentioning. I just want you to know that you all have made me grow in my understanding of my faith and what it looks like lived out daily.
There are so many other things that I am going to miss, but right now it hurts my heart too much to go on. I will truly miss this summer. I don't have any regrets, but I don't want to leave (It is funny that I told Ryan and Lizz that I didn't want to come the day before I left and to see how much that has changed).
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